How many trans people are lawful gun owners?

A cop has resources far beyond anything you can muster, buster. The FBI and the ATF make the cops look like fumbling ten year old kids. They can tell you what I had for dinner last week. If I was “unlawful,” don’t you think I’d be on a list somewhere? Just because I’m transgender?

Because I have no guns and I have no felonies, not even a minor misdemeanor on my record.

I wonder if you can say the same.

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They don’t ask about your credit rating but that’s one of the things which will pop up during a background check anyway.

Well, my intent was to feed and put a pair of shoes on a young woman with no place to stay. No, she did not stay with me. She went back to her boyfriend and pleaded to be let back into her Section 8 apartment. He beat her to death and fled the state.

The real secret is that trans people commit far LESS crimes than cisgender folk—and when they are busted, it’s usually a false accusation. Like “Grooming.” What is grooming, O Dear Million Moms for America? (It’s not that many; maybe a dozen.) Can’t say I’ve ever done that. It’s expensive as hell to feed just ONE person under this roof but two?

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THEY have LOTS of guns! Oodles! (Or they did, before the cops confiscated them.) Handguns, shotguns, AR-15’s, even an AK. Also an ancient Ingraham machine pistol with which he was supposed to shoot me—except that he kind of misplaced it and had a sawed-off shotgun in his possession—along with about a half ounce of meth—when they busted him.

In case you missed my point; they’re the criminals; the white-skinned, unemployed, drug-and-alcohol addicted, borderline psychotic kind which no one likes to discuss when someone accuses us of being “career criminals.” It even confuses and frustrates cops. They’re trained to see us as junkie whores overflowing with STD’s. When they find out that nearly all of us are ordinary folks—like me; a retired college professor of English and writing—it really makes them mad. Then they start digging. When they still can’t find anything, they make up something cute and the charges are usually dropped by the end of the next day.

Mostly they want to know if you’ve been locked up for criminal or mental health reasons. Since very few trans women commit crimes of any kind—such as myself for example. I haven’t had so much as a traffic ticket in 30 years—and my last brush with the law was through my stupid wife’s meth-snortin’, drug-peddling, incestuous goddamned family at about that time. (She really shouldn’t have depended on her sister’s slimy boyfriend to do the hit. Stupid little motherfucker spent the entire upfront payment on meth and got busted for it the Friday night before he was supposed to shoot me.) But she wanted the house and she wanted me gone and such are the costs of Extreme Stupidity and drug-fueled desperation. (I heard from her uncle that she married a cowboy on the rodeo circuit who turned out to have AIDS and a boyfriend.)

Why can't NASA just bite the bullet and launch a plainly simple mission, audited by flat earther peers start to finish that definitively proves to even the smallest minds that the earth is an oblong spheroid, and not flat?

You can access some of those files if you’d like. Just drop a pair of Jacksons on one of those sleazy, “Find out anything about anyone!” websites. They’re all over the net. People like to nose about in other’s affairs and I hear business is good for them. Hurrah. “Privacy, they say, has gone out of style.”

You really should dial back on the stupid spy movies, honey. Our intelligence agencies don’t give a rusty F*** at a rolling donut about gender. Nor do they “have a file” on everyone in this country; a file which tells them everything.

No way to tell. They don’t ask stupid questions like this on a registration application. Nor do they inquire about your religion or political party—unless you live in Texas or Florida.

What can you do if you are a full-grown adult, but never experienced being a child?

Hey, that’s okay, though! “If you have nothing to hide, then why are you worried?” I’m not. Doxx me all you want. Investigate me. “Uncover the real secret!”

Grooming? It seems to be another word for “pedophile.” (Actually it’s spelled “paedophile.” Ask the Brits. They’ll tell you that a “pedophile” gets off by playing with feet.)

Not bloody likely. Oh, I forgot; I did buy a pair of used shoes from the Goodwill I worked at for a homeless trans girl about half my age; early twenties, I gathered. Also a Mickey D’s cheeseburger because she hadn’t eaten in five days. Is that “grooming”? Should I be arrested because my intent was so obvious?

Why do people mourn when their leaders lose elections? Is it common for people to cry over events that are out of their control?

Investigate me then for “paedophilia.” It’s going to be a long, fruitless search but don’t let that stop you. That’s the point, cupcake. The FBI generates most of this data and it’s all a matter of public record. Please investigate my public record!